I really don't...

... understand this guy at all. He text me yesterday asking when my flatmate is back from holiday as we were going to met up this weekend and continue from where we left off last weekend (that's another post!). Now, we can't use my flat so I suggested going to his and this was his reply:
"My flatmate's mum is coming over so my place is not really going to cut it. I was hoping we could hang out at yours but looks like it we may have to cancel this weekend."

Now tell me what I'm meant to think. He's met my flatmate, he's chilled out in my flat, he's walked around the town I live in and we bumped into so many people that I had to fend off questions the next time I ventured out and yet, I can't go to his flat because his flatmate's mum is around. I am pissed off with him because I don't understand why he can't see me with other people around.

And I don't like being like this and feeling this way. In the beginning of this whole sordid affair, I was constantly happy and buzzing and I think it's because we were both seeing other people at the time. Now all he does is disappoint me. And it's not what I signed up for. I am going to end it.

No so amore at Amora

Went to the newly-opened academy of sex and relationships, Amora, (http://amoralondon.com/) the other night with my friend Jo and it was a strange little evening.

The place aims to “encourage a deeper understanding of love, sex and relationships” but the only thing it did was turn me on and even that turn-on wasn’t the full gush I usually get but a mere trickle of wetness between the legs.

On the train home I get a text from the guy. Nothing too explicit… just a reminder:

“I can’t wait to fuck you”

And straight away, my heart starts beating faster and I can feel my panties getting wet.

This has got me thinking… how come I wasn’t really responding in a venue that was meant to titillate and seduce (there were orgasm noises piped in at certain sections and loads of skin flicks on strategically placed screens) and yet, he can send me one text, and with just that one sentence, get me to the point where I feel the need to stick fingers down my pants on the last train home?

I’ve watched porn before and yes, I have been stimulated enough by certain flicks (usually girl on girl action) to dig out and rabbit and self-medicate, but this guy can just say the word “pussy” and there I go, zips undone and fingers searching for some relief. Crazy.

Stuff inside my head

Maybe I'm just a weirdo but every time things start to go smoothly I try and mess it up in my head. Take last weekend for example. He came over really early on Saturday afternoon, we spent the most of the weekend together. Lots and lots of filthy sex was had all over the new flat (flatmate's away on holiday so we made most of the space), we spent ages talking about normal stuff and just chilling and hanging out together.

So Monday finds me in an unusually happy mood. But by the end of Monday evening, the blissful feelings dissipate and I find myself wondering whether I actually want to carry on seeing him.
Things don't seem so exciting any more now that we're both single. Am I a freak for wanting to hang out with people who are already in relationships?

All answers on a postcard please.

Come on my sheets (See how it goes)

He came round to the new flat on Good Friday. The day I moved in ... he arrived in the evening, just before 8, and the first thing we did was kiss, with a hunger like I've not felt for him in sometime, what with the mess that's been going on in both our lives.

My back pressed against, the wall, his hands gripping my waist, his tongue exploring the inside of my mouth, we kissed like teenagers, illicitly, dangerously, with excitement.

But there was also a normality to my time with him, where we sat on the sofa munching toast and Marmite, me in my PJs, my legs sprawled across his lap.
Or when he looked at my music, dug around the kitchen cupboards and teased me about my recipe folder, clearly marked with my name like a school exercise book.

In between the sex there were conversations neither of us wanted to have... conversations that were an attempt to describe the change in circumstances. Conversations that ended with nervous laughter, neither one of us truly understanding what this 'thing' has become. A lot of 'let's see how it goes' was bandied about. A phrase I really don't understand.

All I know is I'm now single and I'm willing to 'see how it goes' with him... but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop myself from seeing other people if they interest me.

And as long as he doesn't feel the need to tell me, he can do the same.
I think I'm in a better place in my head today than I've been in the last few weeks... right now all I see are possibilities.

I've had a good cry and I think I'm okay

I must apologise for my slackness...

... as it's been such a long time since my last post. Things have been pretty up and down recently with regards to the guy.

For one, he moved out of his flat last week and as it was planned for the day after my birthday party, he couldn't make it to the venue. Unfortunately, the vast amounts of alcohol I consumed that evening meant that I wasn't best pleased with his no-show (c'mon, he lived five minutes away and all I wanted was a quick birthday snog outside the club, I didn't even want him to come in as all my friends were there) and made my displeasure quite obvious when he called to see how things were going.

He said that I should be "understanding" but why should I? The way I see it, that's a girlfriend's job, not mine. And this is where the whole redefinition of our relationship gets messy. Because we met under completely different circumstances, we've behaved a certain way with each other, always being very careful not to fall into boyfriend/girlfriend patterns of behaviour and roles. But now that we are both single, it feels as though this is turning into something more conventional and normal.

As much as I like him (and fancy the pants off him!) I don't see myself being his girlfriend. Sometimes I wish we had met under completely different circumstances, then there may be a possibility that this could go somewhere... but the fact that at the time of meeting we were both with other people is really stopping me from getting too emotionally involved.

I've not had a proper discussion with him about the fuckfriend thing. We spoke a lot recently and it seems as though we are both petrified and not very sure of how to deal with this. I may be seeing him this weekend but it's when I'm moving out of my place... and if he couldn't make the effort to see me last week, then why should I hurry with my packing and moving in... just so I can see him?

It's all getting very confusing again and I'm not entirely happy with the ways things are going now. If only I had a crystal ball so I could see what's in the future... then maybe I could chill out a little bit more and just enjoy myself!