Making me smile

We forgot the coffee and cigarettes on Saturday; they didn’t get a look in.

Waking up next to him, I was blissfully happy, like a cat who’d just got the cream, sated, purring and satisfied.

My morning started with cold fingers tracing my bones, raising goosebumps that he kissed with his warm, wet lips. I smiled a slow lazy smile and reached out for him.

Finding him, my hands wandered carelessly, exploring the crevices of his body, feeling my way around his jutting out bones.

He lay on top of me, pressing down on my skin, chest to breast, stomach to stomach, cock to pussy, feet on feet, face to face.

He smiled at me when he felt how wet I already was, raised himself on elbows and eased himself slowly into me.

I gasped at the hardness of his cock as it pushed into me, each thrust taking me somewhere else.

I closed my eyes, let a little whisper of ecstasy escape from my mouth, a mouth he kissed to silence before thrusting in me again, making me moan, telling me he wanted to hear more than whispers.

He pulled me up so we were sitting, his cock still in me, my legs wrapped around him, my nails digging into his back as he slid deeper into me.

Still inside me, he manoeuvred our bodies so I was on my hands and knees, gripping my waist with both his hands, he made me come like I’ve never come before.

He screamed my name as he came, and afterwards, lay next to me, stroking my face and hair and running his hands all over my body, making me want him again, even more that I did mere moments before.

Monday Morning Sunniness

I'm feeling really positive this morning... had a brilliant weekend that started off so well on Friday night at my friend's party and ended yesterday evening with me moving some of my stuff into the new flat.

He turned up at the party really late on Friday and w had just the one drink together before going back to his flat. I know I was nervous before but there was no reason to be in the end as everything went swimmingly well.

Seeing him on his own turf was pretty cool. He seems so much more relaxed to be around and there was NO weirdness at all the next morning. In fact, it was absolute bliss waking up being pressed into his chest... am sure we would have moved away from each other at points during the night but every time I woke up, he was there, with his arms around me...

..And he was different with me as well. More open about himself and his life and interests. It was very strange (but in a good way) almost like we were getting to know each other again, but properly this time. I found out that he can draw, that he has a passable singing voice, that he is quite the cook (yes, he made me breakfast in the morning, and brought me a cup of tea in bed)
and most of all, that he wanted me to know him and see him in a different light.

I'm still not sure where he and I stand and what's going to happen in the future... but I know that I would like to spend more time getting to know him. And I think he feels the same way about me.

Sex was bloody fantastic by the way... He is incredibly sexy and can turn me on with just a smile. I can't remember how we got into the bedroom that evening :-) must have been swoony with desire

Thank fuck it's Friday

Woke up this morning with a huge grin on my face... am very excited about seeing him this evening. Especially as he will be joining me halfway through a friend's birthday party... and possibly be bringing one of his mates with him, so it looks like our two worlds are about to collide.

Still nervous about being in his flat and seeing him on his turf. Also, I wonder if our usual morning-after weirdness will disappear or just not be as weird as it has been the last two times we spent the night together?

Yesterday I wrote him some mid-afternoon porn, because I knew he was busy, I knew that he had a hard day at work ahead of him and I just wanted to distract and see if he bit... which, gratifyingly for me, he did.

Things are looking up...

Finally managed to catch up with my guy last night and we ended up having a really good conversation. With all that's been going on in our respective lives lately, it has been very difficult to find the time to talk about the changes in our situation but last night, we got a chance to discuss how this 'affair' has been redefined and how we're both handling the situation.

He's been looking at more places as he needs to leave his present accommodation by the end of the month but there is a light at the end of the tunnel as he seems to have found a place he's happy with, so fingers crossed things will turn out fine.

We're meeting up this Friday, and he's asked me to stay round his, which will be weird as so far, we've only ever spent nights in random hotels. So this is going to be another first for the both of us... am excited and a little nervous... but ultimately, happy.

And once I move in, I've decided that he can come round if he wants to (well, he's already said he wants to)... no more sneaking around! Hurrah...

Freedom

So... things are moving fast on the home front. Went to see my flatmate-to-be last night, handed over a huge cheque as a deposit and am now in possession of three shiny, bright new keys... keys that represent a new life and escape from my present situation.

Had to come clean to my 'boyfriend' (not really sure what to refer to him as any more) which went pretty well, considering all things. He took the news very calmly, although he did attempt to change my mind, it was a pretty half-assed try as he knows my mind has been made up.

I feel more of my old self now, more like the person I used to be before I got into this relationship and got dragged down with all the problems it brought with it.

Also, my emotions have been all over the shop lately... yesterday, I found myself on the brink of tears because I couldn't find the stapler, yet within minutes, I was giggling away at some stupid song on the radio.

I don't think things have sunk in though... let's see how things are when I actually move in... three weeks from now!

All the cocks I've known...

I remember the first time I saw a fully erect cock. I must have been about three or four and it was my father's. I remember my mother showing it to me, (yes, this has scarred me for the rest of my life and no wonder all my relationships are fucked up and I'm obsessed by the cock... tell me something I don't know), bending her head down to grasp it with her mouth... and then, thankfully, the screen in my head goes blank.

Fast forward to today and I find myself recreating that very same moment with countless numbers of cocks. I've had cocks in cars, on a plane, in a playing field and one memorable occasion, under the table of a dim sum restaurant in east London... only that one, I didn't actually take in my mouth, just felt its slippery hardness with my fingers... Not very sure why this particular cock sticks out in my memory, as since then, I've felt a few more, but I think, this is the one I did want in my mouth... more than any of the others (barring my present lover's of course)...

A good point to start the cock stories... :-)

Screw Mondays

I've been to look at a flat and like what I've seen... I'll be sharing with a guy who seems pretty nice and the flat is cool as well so hopefully things are looking up. My boyfriend now knows I'm definitely moving out, but isn't aware that I've already viewed flats and that I'll be signing a six-month contract after work today. I'm planning to tell him tonight though, it shouldn't be too difficult *crosses fingers and hopes shit doesn't hit the fan*

Things with the guy are weird at the moment. The last time I saw him was at his pre-birthday fucking and the morning after was strange, as per usual. Since then, we've barely been communicating barring a text or two here or there. I went away the weekend before last, by myself, in an attempt to clear my head... it helped me when it came to dealing with stuff in my relationship and made me realise that I really couldn't be with my boyfriend any more. But it didn't make things any clearer when it came to what I feel for the other guy.

His girlfriend moved out of their flat that weekend and he's been looking for a place to live as he needs to get out of his current place by the end of the month. He's been a bit short with me lately, like he's blaming me for all this change... I'm not sure what's happening at the moment... all I know is that he made me see how fantastic life could be (not just with regards to him, but in general) and he's been the catalyst for change... it's just a pity that things seem to be ending before they even start.

I have no regrets though, am just looking forward to meeting new people, and doing new things (not all to do with sex, contrary to popular opinion). I've decided I'm going to end things if he doesn't come good for my birthday... (see previous posts)

Affairs are much better when the two of you are in long term relationships

I think sometimes i make too big a fuss about things when should just go with flow but then, that is me... argh!
he's been emailing and texting and was saying something about his mate and i was like 'you keep some strange company' and he texted back 'yeah well, i like you dont i' with three kisses and a smile and i went a bit gooey
Because after the other night's hardcore sexts, he's now being bloody sweet and boyf like... weird!
Is he now my fuck friend or what?
Am i just wank fodder?
oh god... I really don't know
so that's why an affair would have been so much better because it means you can get emotionally involved, because there is NO chance of it going anywhere, so you can enjoy the romance without reading too much into it... now i dont know how to act or be, i keep talking about sex and he does the same cos i think we're trying to convince ourselves its just about the fucking, but i want it to be more... and am scared

Confusion

I haven't seen him since the last time we met for his birthday.
Things have changed in the last couple of weeks.
For one, his girlfriend moved out at the weekend and I'm going to view a flat this evening, so it seems like there is no going back.
But does this mean that we are embarking on a more conventional relationship? Or will we both be seeing other people as well as each other?

Everyday, I feel myself getting more and more emotionally involved. Take today for example; it's my birthday in a few weeks time and I was hoping he would meet me after my party at this hotel we both loved...

So I sent him an email...

"Quick question, what are you doing on the night of Friday 30 March?

Cause I've got that room at ******* and was thinking we could do stuff if you want to meet me after my party. Let me know x"
And he replied: "not sure yet but sounds like a plan - will know by end of week as is flat dependent"
And then, where in the past, I would have been totally okay with that answer, knowing full well that he has his own life and commitments, this time, I wasn't okay with it at all, replying with
"tell you what, don't worry about it (not being cross)just that i need to get my stuff sorted out

:-) speak later take care"
So now what do I do? His one word reply 'okaaaaaay' didn't make me feel good about myself or my reaction.

I've screwed up, haven't I?

I shouldn't have expected anything, and I never have from him.
This is why I hate the fact that things are changing. It's driving me crazy.

I was so afraid of this happening... he sent me a text the other day, asking if he would be able to see me "because he has no commitments now"... so does this mean he's single?

Because I'm not and if I can't see him when he would like to see me, then will he look around for other people?

This is why I preferred the whole affair scenario; at least that way, we had to plan things, now he's wanting to be spontaneous and I still have to plan stuff around my present commitments.

I've decided...

I've decided to move out for good instead of just spending random night's at family's and friends... I think this will be for the best.
But I don't know what it means... if anything

The Conversation, Pt II

I've had to answer some tough questions and discovered that I don't really like myself very much, don't like the person I've become.
This person who chooses to remain in a relationship that clearly isn't working because she can't afford to live by herself, that she's so accustomed to the lifestyle her boyfriend provides that she doesn't have the courage to get out of the relationship for fear that she won't be able to go out partying with her lover.
I am the lowest of the low.
Knowing this, however, hasn't shamed me enough to put a stop to it.
So here I am straddling two worlds and realising that this 'thing' is impacting my life in a positive and negative way.
I'm on the cusp of something new and exciting, something that makes going into work that little bit better because I know there will be an email from him waiting for me, something that makes my commute home easier because he smoothes away the frustration I feel at home.
Something that ultimately makes me a better person because I am less harsh, my words less cruel, my actions more generous, my thoughts more positive... surely being the other woman can't be all bad then?

The Conversation Last Week

What a week it's been. Thursday morning began like any other, a cheerless, drizzly day, the kind we've been having so much of lately.
All week I'd been feeling really fidgety inside, like something inside me was choking me... a simmering resentment that threatened to explode all over my boyfriend, which it eventually did on Thursday afternoon, when at 1pm, on the dot, like he does every single day, he called to have the discussion we have, everyday... the "what do you want for dinner" discussion followed by ten minutes of silence while we drag the whole sorry ritual out.
Something snapped this Thursday though, and before I knew it, I was leaking my unhappiness, like a faulty tap, all down the phone line.
Thursday night was incredibly horrible, the kind of evening I never want to have ever again. I spent most of it packing my belongings in boxes, bin bags, gym bags, suitcases... all of which I ended up unpacking the following weekend after an emotional night of discussions and promises I'm sure neither of us can keep.
I've had to take a long hard look at myself, to face up to the not-so-attractive parts of my character, the side that no one, not even my best friend, sees.

Jailbait? Moi? Non!

It's his birthday today and as a present, on Friday I booked a hotel room and was waiting in there for him, dressed as a schoolgirl (yes, one of his fantasies, how very predictable eh). I was so nervous but excited at the same time and those fluttery feelings were making me feel ill again. But his reaction, walking into the room, was well worth it and we ended up having the best sex I've ever had.
Lying there in his arms afterwards felt so right and before we knew it, he was getting aroused again. This time though, the sex was completely different, something along the lines of 'love making' (I hate that phrase so much but there's no running away from it). And as he looked into my eyes, I could feel every part of me merging into him, solidifying into one person. And it felt scary.
He's moving out of his girlfriend's... They've both decided to take some time apart and see what happens. And the same thing is happening with me... My boyfriend and I have had countless heart-to-heart conversations these past few weeks and we too have decided to 'take a break' (another phrase I despise).
But what does this mean for my lover and I? The whole point of having an affair was to make our lives with our partners more bearable. Instead, we seem to be drawing closer to each other and leaving the people we were with behind. How do other people do it and why can't we?