Thursday 17 May 2007

Text conversations hot off the phone

So it's all becoming clear now. Texts have been flying through the air...

Him: I feel a lot happier today. I've been miserable as sin since Friday. Am not going to think about work any more as is boring.

Me: Yeah you have been a bit off but am glad you're feeling better.

Him: Yeah I know, I tend to shut down when I'm like that. The whole ********** thing at work left a bit of a foul taste in my mouth and made me think about myself, a bit of self-loathing really I guess. Anyway, enough about work I think I've done that to death over the last few days.

Me: You've been so far away. Especially when I was going through the same shit just not on the same scale as yours. But I really am pleased you are feeling better (and not just for selfish reasons)

Him: I'm sorry. Another trait is that I distance myself from other people's problems if I'm going through stuff myself. I'm not really selling myself here am I? On the other hand, I'm quite nice when everything is okay.

I have not replied to the last text as I don't really know what to say any more.

Part of me is really happy that he's sharing stuff with me. But the other part thinks we may be straying into couple territory here.

I spoke to my friend about it, and she too feels it's good that he's explained all these things to me. But it is a dilemma because I want to be sympathetic, without coming across as too full on.

This all just seems far too complicated and deep and it also feels too soon to be playing this role...

I don't know what or how he wants me to be and I cant keep switching from lover mode to girlfriend mode to friend mode... everything is so blurry and undefined at the moment.

But I like him so much and the fact that he's talking to me about the way he feels makes me think he likes me too.

Oh dear god.

Wednesday 16 May 2007

Up and down again

I wonder if things between this guy and me will ever get settled?

There is actually nothing much to to report today, other than the fact that we haven't really had time to speak to each other properly.

Work seems to be getting in the way of play once again and he's as stressed as I am.

But what's really weird is he feels the need to tell me about the stuff that's bothering him, then before I get a chance to tell him things, we move on to more sexual talk. And once again, I end up feeling a little bit like wank fodder.


Take last Monday for instance. We arranged to speak and when the call finally came, I had so much to tell him about work, stuff that was going on in my life and also needed to discuss our festival plans... and yet, before I knew it, he launched into filth, culminating in him coming on the phone.

Yes, I also managed to make myself come, but that is not the point. That evening was meant to be a catch-up and instead ended up with me feeling slightly soiled.


Pretty pathetic.

I wonder why we keep coming back to this?

I know I have feelings for this guy. I'm not sure if those feelings have any depth to them though. I'm going to be seeing him this Friday, after I meet up with some old friends and for the first time ever, I'm more excited about seeing my friends than I am about seeing him.

Maybe this thing has run it's course?

Thursday 10 May 2007

All tied up

So we have been pushing boundaries lately, and I know I should really update as things happen but I am really really lazy when it comes to writing everyday; this is the best I can do.

We were talking about handcuffs the other day and how I sometimes want to feel dominated in bed, instead of always dominating (the last time he came round to mine, he was on his hands and knees, ass in the air as I spanked him with a leather paddle).

His solution... sexy shopping.

His list:

Clit vibe
Bondage tap
Mattress restrain
New spank paddle

And that's how I found myself, on rainy, gloomy, dreary bank holiday Monday, my wrists secured to the bed, my legs spread wide apart and secured similarly to the end of the bed, getting my ass spanked, before he took me from behind, gagged my mouth with the bondage tape so I couldn't scream and used me like his fuck toy.

May sound demeaning to some but actually felt pretty good in reality. In fact, I don't think I've come that explosively before. I was rewarded very well for my submissive nature as well, when he spent what seemed like hours, with his head between my legs, alternating his tongue with fingers as he made me come over and over again, finger fucking me to oblivion, his cock straining to escape from the confines of his boxers.

Typing this out now is making me want him. I may have to see him again tonight.

Seduction and a cup of tea

This confusion hanging around in my head isn't stopping me from sleeping with him though. Sometimes I wish I had a bit more willpower but I can't seem to stop myself.

I stayed round at his flat for the first time last weekend and as soon as I saw him waiting for me at the station, my hands actually started getting clammy, and I think there was a rush of blood to my head as I went a little bit dizzy (although that could also have been the fact that I hadn't eaten in about 24 hours).

I was wearing no panties, a fact I whispered in his ear as we waited for the bus, and right away, I could see his cock grow hard through the denim of his skinny jeans. And my body responded almost immediately to his need so that every glance on that bus ride back to his burnt a hole in my skin.

Getting back to his, we didn't waste any time getting to his room and the first time was over before it even began as we both were on the point of coming as soon as clothes were off. And once we got that first rush of need out of our system, things calmed down to the point where once again, it almost seemed like we had been together as a couple for years. Instead of a mere five months, three of them when we were with other people.

I think what's confusing me is that I get along with him in so many ways, and that it's not just the bedroom stuff that blows my mind. Having been in relationships in the past, where it was either or, not both, it feels as though this is all a dream that could soon shatter. And I don't want to be left picking up the pieces.

Floating around in a dream

The cloud of doom mentioned in a previous post doesn't seem to want to shift, no matter what I do. Maybe it's just a normal fact of life that one can't be happy-clappy all the time. It does make me wonder though, why, in the past, a simple text or email from him could make me smile but now I seem to want more.

I had a really good discussion about sex with my flatmate last night. We were talking about the whole 'putting out' on a first date and he seemed to think that it was okay for a girl to do that, as long as she didn't expect the guy to take her seriously in any way. Part of me agrees with him, but then, another part thinks its the whole double standard thing rearing its ugly head again. Why is it okay for a bloke to sleep around but not for a girl?

Also, he seemed really surprised when I told him that girls also have the ability to view guys as purely sexual objects. After all, if you sleep with me on the first date, you no longer hold any mystery to me. In fact, you will be, in my mind, classified as a fuck, rather than a friend, or even a fuck friend.

Which brings me neatly to the whole sitch with the other guy. We are currently miring in some sort of 'grey area, where we're not actually a couple, but neither are we fuck friends. So when we see each other and hang out, it's all holding hands, kissing, lying on laps and such like but there's no real substance to what we do.

Does the fact that we communicate everyday mean that there's something more than straight fucking going on? Or does it mean fuck all? Confusion reigns.

Friday 4 May 2007

I'm so happy I could die *said in sarky voice*

So I know this is meant to be a blog about things with me and the other guy but there has been so much stuff going on in my 'normal' life lately that I just haven't had the time (and if I were entirely honest the inclination) to write about the sex drugs and rock n roll bits.

But I will soon... as soon as I can shake this 'blah' feeling.

*Little cloud of doom hangs over her head*