Thursday, 17 May 2007
Him: I feel a lot happier today. I've been miserable as sin since Friday. Am not going to think about work any more as is boring.
Me: Yeah you have been a bit off but am glad you're feeling better.
Him: Yeah I know, I tend to shut down when I'm like that. The whole ********** thing at work left a bit of a foul taste in my mouth and made me think about myself, a bit of self-loathing really I guess. Anyway, enough about work I think I've done that to death over the last few days.
Me: You've been so far away. Especially when I was going through the same shit just not on the same scale as yours. But I really am pleased you are feeling better (and not just for selfish reasons)
Him: I'm sorry. Another trait is that I distance myself from other people's problems if I'm going through stuff myself. I'm not really selling myself here am I? On the other hand, I'm quite nice when everything is okay.
I have not replied to the last text as I don't really know what to say any more.
Part of me is really happy that he's sharing stuff with me. But the other part thinks we may be straying into couple territory here.
I spoke to my friend about it, and she too feels it's good that he's explained all these things to me. But it is a dilemma because I want to be sympathetic, without coming across as too full on.
This all just seems far too complicated and deep and it also feels too soon to be playing this role...
I don't know what or how he wants me to be and I cant keep switching from lover mode to girlfriend mode to friend mode... everything is so blurry and undefined at the moment.
But I like him so much and the fact that he's talking to me about the way he feels makes me think he likes me too.
Oh dear god.
Wednesday, 16 May 2007
There is actually nothing much to to report today, other than the fact that we haven't really had time to speak to each other properly.
Work seems to be getting in the way of play once again and he's as stressed as I am.
But what's really weird is he feels the need to tell me about the stuff that's bothering him, then before I get a chance to tell him things, we move on to more sexual talk. And once again, I end up feeling a little bit like wank fodder.
Take last Monday for instance. We arranged to speak and when the call finally came, I had so much to tell him about work, stuff that was going on in my life and also needed to discuss our festival plans... and yet, before I knew it, he launched into filth, culminating in him coming on the phone.
Yes, I also managed to make myself come, but that is not the point. That evening was meant to be a catch-up and instead ended up with me feeling slightly soiled.
I wonder why we keep coming back to this?
I know I have feelings for this guy. I'm not sure if those feelings have any depth to them though. I'm going to be seeing him this Friday, after I meet up with some old friends and for the first time ever, I'm more excited about seeing my friends than I am about seeing him.
Maybe this thing has run it's course?
Thursday, 10 May 2007
We were talking about handcuffs the other day and how I sometimes want to feel dominated in bed, instead of always dominating (the last time he came round to mine, he was on his hands and knees, ass in the air as I spanked him with a leather paddle).
His solution... sexy shopping.
New spank paddle
And that's how I found myself, on rainy, gloomy, dreary bank holiday Monday, my wrists secured to the bed, my legs spread wide apart and secured similarly to the end of the bed, getting my ass spanked, before he took me from behind, gagged my mouth with the bondage tape so I couldn't scream and used me like his fuck toy.
May sound demeaning to some but actually felt pretty good in reality. In fact, I don't think I've come that explosively before. I was rewarded very well for my submissive nature as well, when he spent what seemed like hours, with his head between my legs, alternating his tongue with fingers as he made me come over and over again, finger fucking me to oblivion, his cock straining to escape from the confines of his boxers.
Typing this out now is making me want him. I may have to see him again tonight.
I stayed round at his flat for the first time last weekend and as soon as I saw him waiting for me at the station, my hands actually started getting clammy, and I think there was a rush of blood to my head as I went a little bit dizzy (although that could also have been the fact that I hadn't eaten in about 24 hours).
I was wearing no panties, a fact I whispered in his ear as we waited for the bus, and right away, I could see his cock grow hard through the denim of his skinny jeans. And my body responded almost immediately to his need so that every glance on that bus ride back to his burnt a hole in my skin.
Getting back to his, we didn't waste any time getting to his room and the first time was over before it even began as we both were on the point of coming as soon as clothes were off. And once we got that first rush of need out of our system, things calmed down to the point where once again, it almost seemed like we had been together as a couple for years. Instead of a mere five months, three of them when we were with other people.
I think what's confusing me is that I get along with him in so many ways, and that it's not just the bedroom stuff that blows my mind. Having been in relationships in the past, where it was either or, not both, it feels as though this is all a dream that could soon shatter. And I don't want to be left picking up the pieces.
I had a really good discussion about sex with my flatmate last night. We were talking about the whole 'putting out' on a first date and he seemed to think that it was okay for a girl to do that, as long as she didn't expect the guy to take her seriously in any way. Part of me agrees with him, but then, another part thinks its the whole double standard thing rearing its ugly head again. Why is it okay for a bloke to sleep around but not for a girl?
Also, he seemed really surprised when I told him that girls also have the ability to view guys as purely sexual objects. After all, if you sleep with me on the first date, you no longer hold any mystery to me. In fact, you will be, in my mind, classified as a fuck, rather than a friend, or even a fuck friend.
Which brings me neatly to the whole sitch with the other guy. We are currently miring in some sort of 'grey area, where we're not actually a couple, but neither are we fuck friends. So when we see each other and hang out, it's all holding hands, kissing, lying on laps and such like but there's no real substance to what we do.
Does the fact that we communicate everyday mean that there's something more than straight fucking going on? Or does it mean fuck all? Confusion reigns.
Friday, 4 May 2007
But I will soon... as soon as I can shake this 'blah' feeling.
*Little cloud of doom hangs over her head*
Friday, 27 April 2007
"My flatmate's mum is coming over so my place is not really going to cut it. I was hoping we could hang out at yours but looks like it we may have to cancel this weekend."
Now tell me what I'm meant to think. He's met my flatmate, he's chilled out in my flat, he's walked around the town I live in and we bumped into so many people that I had to fend off questions the next time I ventured out and yet, I can't go to his flat because his flatmate's mum is around. I am pissed off with him because I don't understand why he can't see me with other people around.
And I don't like being like this and feeling this way. In the beginning of this whole sordid affair, I was constantly happy and buzzing and I think it's because we were both seeing other people at the time. Now all he does is disappoint me. And it's not what I signed up for. I am going to end it.
Thursday, 26 April 2007
Went to the newly-opened academy of sex and relationships, Amora, (http://amoralondon.com/) the other night with my friend Jo and it was a strange little evening.
The place aims to “encourage a deeper understanding of love, sex and relationships” but the only thing it did was turn me on and even that turn-on wasn’t the full gush I usually get but a mere trickle of wetness between the legs.
On the train home I get a text from the guy. Nothing too explicit… just a reminder:
“I can’t wait to fuck you”
And straight away, my heart starts beating faster and I can feel my panties getting wet.
Wednesday, 25 April 2007
So Monday finds me in an unusually happy mood. But by the end of Monday evening, the blissful feelings dissipate and I find myself wondering whether I actually want to carry on seeing him.
Things don't seem so exciting any more now that we're both single. Am I a freak for wanting to hang out with people who are already in relationships?
All answers on a postcard please.
Thursday, 12 April 2007
My back pressed against, the wall, his hands gripping my waist, his tongue exploring the inside of my mouth, we kissed like teenagers, illicitly, dangerously, with excitement.
But there was also a normality to my time with him, where we sat on the sofa munching toast and Marmite, me in my PJs, my legs sprawled across his lap.
Or when he looked at my music, dug around the kitchen cupboards and teased me about my recipe folder, clearly marked with my name like a school exercise book.
In between the sex there were conversations neither of us wanted to have... conversations that were an attempt to describe the change in circumstances. Conversations that ended with nervous laughter, neither one of us truly understanding what this 'thing' has become. A lot of 'let's see how it goes' was bandied about. A phrase I really don't understand.
All I know is I'm now single and I'm willing to 'see how it goes' with him... but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop myself from seeing other people if they interest me.
And as long as he doesn't feel the need to tell me, he can do the same.
I think I'm in a better place in my head today than I've been in the last few weeks... right now all I see are possibilities.
I've had a good cry and I think I'm okay
Wednesday, 4 April 2007
For one, he moved out of his flat last week and as it was planned for the day after my birthday party, he couldn't make it to the venue. Unfortunately, the vast amounts of alcohol I consumed that evening meant that I wasn't best pleased with his no-show (c'mon, he lived five minutes away and all I wanted was a quick birthday snog outside the club, I didn't even want him to come in as all my friends were there) and made my displeasure quite obvious when he called to see how things were going.
He said that I should be "understanding" but why should I? The way I see it, that's a girlfriend's job, not mine. And this is where the whole redefinition of our relationship gets messy. Because we met under completely different circumstances, we've behaved a certain way with each other, always being very careful not to fall into boyfriend/girlfriend patterns of behaviour and roles. But now that we are both single, it feels as though this is turning into something more conventional and normal.
As much as I like him (and fancy the pants off him!) I don't see myself being his girlfriend. Sometimes I wish we had met under completely different circumstances, then there may be a possibility that this could go somewhere... but the fact that at the time of meeting we were both with other people is really stopping me from getting too emotionally involved.
I've not had a proper discussion with him about the fuckfriend thing. We spoke a lot recently and it seems as though we are both petrified and not very sure of how to deal with this. I may be seeing him this weekend but it's when I'm moving out of my place... and if he couldn't make the effort to see me last week, then why should I hurry with my packing and moving in... just so I can see him?
It's all getting very confusing again and I'm not entirely happy with the ways things are going now. If only I had a crystal ball so I could see what's in the future... then maybe I could chill out a little bit more and just enjoy myself!
Tuesday, 27 March 2007
We forgot the coffee and cigarettes on Saturday; they didn’t get a look in.
Waking up next to him, I was blissfully happy, like a cat who’d just got the cream, sated, purring and satisfied.
My morning started with cold fingers tracing my bones, raising goosebumps that he kissed with his warm, wet lips. I smiled a slow lazy smile and reached out for him.
Finding him, my hands wandered carelessly, exploring the crevices of his body, feeling my way around his jutting out bones.
He lay on top of me, pressing down on my skin, chest to breast, stomach to stomach, cock to pussy, feet on feet, face to face.
He smiled at me when he felt how wet I already was, raised himself on elbows and eased himself slowly into me.
I gasped at the hardness of his cock as it pushed into me, each thrust taking me somewhere else.
I closed my eyes, let a little whisper of ecstasy escape from my mouth, a mouth he kissed to silence before thrusting in me again, making me moan, telling me he wanted to hear more than whispers.
He pulled me up so we were sitting, his cock still in me, my legs wrapped around him, my nails digging into his back as he slid deeper into me.
Still inside me, he manoeuvred our bodies so I was on my hands and knees, gripping my waist with both his hands, he made me come like I’ve never come before.
He screamed my name as he came, and afterwards, lay next to me, stroking my face and hair and running his hands all over my body, making me want him again, even more that I did mere moments before.
Monday, 26 March 2007
He turned up at the party really late on Friday and w had just the one drink together before going back to his flat. I know I was nervous before but there was no reason to be in the end as everything went swimmingly well.
Seeing him on his own turf was pretty cool. He seems so much more relaxed to be around and there was NO weirdness at all the next morning. In fact, it was absolute bliss waking up being pressed into his chest... am sure we would have moved away from each other at points during the night but every time I woke up, he was there, with his arms around me...
..And he was different with me as well. More open about himself and his life and interests. It was very strange (but in a good way) almost like we were getting to know each other again, but properly this time. I found out that he can draw, that he has a passable singing voice, that he is quite the cook (yes, he made me breakfast in the morning, and brought me a cup of tea in bed)
and most of all, that he wanted me to know him and see him in a different light.
I'm still not sure where he and I stand and what's going to happen in the future... but I know that I would like to spend more time getting to know him. And I think he feels the same way about me.
Sex was bloody fantastic by the way... He is incredibly sexy and can turn me on with just a smile. I can't remember how we got into the bedroom that evening :-) must have been swoony with desire
Friday, 23 March 2007
Still nervous about being in his flat and seeing him on his turf. Also, I wonder if our usual morning-after weirdness will disappear or just not be as weird as it has been the last two times we spent the night together?
Yesterday I wrote him some mid-afternoon porn, because I knew he was busy, I knew that he had a hard day at work ahead of him and I just wanted to distract and see if he bit... which, gratifyingly for me, he did.
Wednesday, 21 March 2007
He's been looking at more places as he needs to leave his present accommodation by the end of the month but there is a light at the end of the tunnel as he seems to have found a place he's happy with, so fingers crossed things will turn out fine.
We're meeting up this Friday, and he's asked me to stay round his, which will be weird as so far, we've only ever spent nights in random hotels. So this is going to be another first for the both of us... am excited and a little nervous... but ultimately, happy.
And once I move in, I've decided that he can come round if he wants to (well, he's already said he wants to)... no more sneaking around! Hurrah...
Tuesday, 20 March 2007
Had to come clean to my 'boyfriend' (not really sure what to refer to him as any more) which went pretty well, considering all things. He took the news very calmly, although he did attempt to change my mind, it was a pretty half-assed try as he knows my mind has been made up.
I feel more of my old self now, more like the person I used to be before I got into this relationship and got dragged down with all the problems it brought with it.
Also, my emotions have been all over the shop lately... yesterday, I found myself on the brink of tears because I couldn't find the stapler, yet within minutes, I was giggling away at some stupid song on the radio.
I don't think things have sunk in though... let's see how things are when I actually move in... three weeks from now!
Monday, 19 March 2007
Fast forward to today and I find myself recreating that very same moment with countless numbers of cocks. I've had cocks in cars, on a plane, in a playing field and one memorable occasion, under the table of a dim sum restaurant in east London... only that one, I didn't actually take in my mouth, just felt its slippery hardness with my fingers... Not very sure why this particular cock sticks out in my memory, as since then, I've felt a few more, but I think, this is the one I did want in my mouth... more than any of the others (barring my present lover's of course)...
A good point to start the cock stories... :-)
Things with the guy are weird at the moment. The last time I saw him was at his pre-birthday fucking and the morning after was strange, as per usual. Since then, we've barely been communicating barring a text or two here or there. I went away the weekend before last, by myself, in an attempt to clear my head... it helped me when it came to dealing with stuff in my relationship and made me realise that I really couldn't be with my boyfriend any more. But it didn't make things any clearer when it came to what I feel for the other guy.
His girlfriend moved out of their flat that weekend and he's been looking for a place to live as he needs to get out of his current place by the end of the month. He's been a bit short with me lately, like he's blaming me for all this change... I'm not sure what's happening at the moment... all I know is that he made me see how fantastic life could be (not just with regards to him, but in general) and he's been the catalyst for change... it's just a pity that things seem to be ending before they even start.
I have no regrets though, am just looking forward to meeting new people, and doing new things (not all to do with sex, contrary to popular opinion). I've decided I'm going to end things if he doesn't come good for my birthday... (see previous posts)
Wednesday, 14 March 2007
he's been emailing and texting and was saying something about his mate and i was like 'you keep some strange company' and he texted back 'yeah well, i like you dont i' with three kisses and a smile and i went a bit gooey
Because after the other night's hardcore sexts, he's now being bloody sweet and boyf like... weird!
Is he now my fuck friend or what?
Am i just wank fodder?
oh god... I really don't know
so that's why an affair would have been so much better because it means you can get emotionally involved, because there is NO chance of it going anywhere, so you can enjoy the romance without reading too much into it... now i dont know how to act or be, i keep talking about sex and he does the same cos i think we're trying to convince ourselves its just about the fucking, but i want it to be more... and am scared
Things have changed in the last couple of weeks.
For one, his girlfriend moved out at the weekend and I'm going to view a flat this evening, so it seems like there is no going back.
But does this mean that we are embarking on a more conventional relationship? Or will we both be seeing other people as well as each other?
Everyday, I feel myself getting more and more emotionally involved. Take today for example; it's my birthday in a few weeks time and I was hoping he would meet me after my party at this hotel we both loved...
So I sent him an email...
And he replied: "not sure yet but sounds like a plan - will know by end of week as is flat dependent"
And then, where in the past, I would have been totally okay with that answer, knowing full well that he has his own life and commitments, this time, I wasn't okay with it at all, replying with
"tell you what, don't worry about it (not being cross)just that i need to get my stuff sorted out
So now what do I do? His one word reply 'okaaaaaay' didn't make me feel good about myself or my reaction.
I've screwed up, haven't I?
I shouldn't have expected anything, and I never have from him.
This is why I hate the fact that things are changing. It's driving me crazy.
I was so afraid of this happening... he sent me a text the other day, asking if he would be able to see me "because he has no commitments now"... so does this mean he's single?
Because I'm not and if I can't see him when he would like to see me, then will he look around for other people?
This is why I preferred the whole affair scenario; at least that way, we had to plan things, now he's wanting to be spontaneous and I still have to plan stuff around my present commitments.
Thursday, 8 March 2007
Tuesday, 6 March 2007
This person who chooses to remain in a relationship that clearly isn't working because she can't afford to live by herself, that she's so accustomed to the lifestyle her boyfriend provides that she doesn't have the courage to get out of the relationship for fear that she won't be able to go out partying with her lover.
I am the lowest of the low.
Knowing this, however, hasn't shamed me enough to put a stop to it.
So here I am straddling two worlds and realising that this 'thing' is impacting my life in a positive and negative way.
I'm on the cusp of something new and exciting, something that makes going into work that little bit better because I know there will be an email from him waiting for me, something that makes my commute home easier because he smoothes away the frustration I feel at home.
Something that ultimately makes me a better person because I am less harsh, my words less cruel, my actions more generous, my thoughts more positive... surely being the other woman can't be all bad then?
All week I'd been feeling really fidgety inside, like something inside me was choking me... a simmering resentment that threatened to explode all over my boyfriend, which it eventually did on Thursday afternoon, when at 1pm, on the dot, like he does every single day, he called to have the discussion we have, everyday... the "what do you want for dinner" discussion followed by ten minutes of silence while we drag the whole sorry ritual out.
Something snapped this Thursday though, and before I knew it, I was leaking my unhappiness, like a faulty tap, all down the phone line.
Thursday night was incredibly horrible, the kind of evening I never want to have ever again. I spent most of it packing my belongings in boxes, bin bags, gym bags, suitcases... all of which I ended up unpacking the following weekend after an emotional night of discussions and promises I'm sure neither of us can keep.
I've had to take a long hard look at myself, to face up to the not-so-attractive parts of my character, the side that no one, not even my best friend, sees.
Monday, 5 March 2007
Lying there in his arms afterwards felt so right and before we knew it, he was getting aroused again. This time though, the sex was completely different, something along the lines of 'love making' (I hate that phrase so much but there's no running away from it). And as he looked into my eyes, I could feel every part of me merging into him, solidifying into one person. And it felt scary.
He's moving out of his girlfriend's... They've both decided to take some time apart and see what happens. And the same thing is happening with me... My boyfriend and I have had countless heart-to-heart conversations these past few weeks and we too have decided to 'take a break' (another phrase I despise).
But what does this mean for my lover and I? The whole point of having an affair was to make our lives with our partners more bearable. Instead, we seem to be drawing closer to each other and leaving the people we were with behind. How do other people do it and why can't we?
Monday, 26 February 2007
I haven't really slept with that many people.. in fact, my illicit affair is the sixth person I've ever slept with. And I'm in my mid-twenties (nearer 30 than 20) and I can name every person who I've seen naked and who has seen me naked. Every person who has gone down on me and who I've gone down on.
I know that you should really stay away from dairy products if you want your lover to swallow...
A cooling off period when we both realised that what we had done in that room had altered the both of us and now reality was invading. A reality with partners who knew not of the changes we'd been through. I went home that day weeping on the train. The smell of his skin imprinted on mine and the taste of him lingering in my mouth. This, this is the not so nice part of an affair.
And if you think the first time was all romance and flowers, think again. The event was mapped out with military precision. We only had a few hours together (nope, not even a whole night, the unfairness of it all) so a room was booked, condoms were bought and we had a couple of drinks to settle the nerves before getting down to things. Thing is, writing about it now makes it seem so business-like and dispassionate, but we had to be cold and cynical and calculated about the whole thing or we would have never been able to get it sorted. Unlike regular couples, who can be spontaneous, everything we do has to be thought out... and although we did try to make the actual act as unemotional as possible, it's pretty difficult to do that when you're both naked together for the first time and all you want to do is grab each other and melt into one person.
And the weirdest thing was that there was no weirdness. It felt like the most natural thing in the world, there was no shyness, no awkwardness. We had sex, we had a chat, we had more sex, talked some more, fell asleep for a little while and then had sex again. And then had to face the check-out clerk downstairs when we fled in the middle of the night... laughing all the way to the trains. It was perfect. Not long enough but it gave me even more of an appetite for him.
Wednesday, 21 February 2007
The first was in a bar, a noisy, shouty, bar where we had to speak at the top of our voices to be heard. The place he caught my mouth in mid-sentence with a kiss and made my bones melt. Where we kissed for what seemed like hours in the middle of a pavement while shoppers banged yellow carrier bags against our legs and his breath, tinged with the beer, misted over my face.
Tuesday, 20 February 2007
The situation I’m in is very similar to that of a new girlfriend in a shiny brand-new relationship; so with that comes those glorious feelings of firsts; the first time we held hands, the first time he brushed the hair of my face, the first kiss in a crowded bar, the first kiss EVER, the first time we saw each other naked, the first time there was skin on skin.
But then, in stark contrast, I have to deal with all the times he can’t see me because he’s with her; the fact that there are certain places we can NEVER visit for fear of being spotted together; the sudden silence and movement away from me, when only seconds ago we were superglued together on the tube, because the next stop is where she works… these things all come with the affair territory, and I’ve found, the sooner I get used to it, the better. It doesn’t make things any easier though.
But the firsts are worth it, believe you me.
Because we have to be careful and discreet, because we can't talk everyday or text every second, because we have ‘real, normal’ lives, the firsts hold their thrill for longer.
We had another date recently- still had those ‘first’ feelings in my stomach when I set eyes on him. The shuddering, flopping in my belly, that oozing wetness between my legs, the catch of breath as he leant over to say hello… the fact that we did not kiss until well into the evening, which made the kiss all the better for the waiting.
It feels like being wooed all over again, something we’ve both discussed at great length. We only slept together after five dates. If either of us were single, things would have moved much quicker.
But having an affair is a completely different ballgame… these things take TIME and TRUST.
Monday, 19 February 2007
Can the fact that my boyfriend hasn't slept with me in god knows how long act as an excuse? Surely that's cruelty, and if we were married, grounds for divorce? There has been no sex in suburbia... so now I've gone looking... and I've found.